Confession
by Not-A-Mer-Gentleman
Summary: Nick could never find the right words to express his feelings for Jess and it cost him everything... but it seems he's found a way to express himself finally. This is a one shot with poetry. I don't own New Girl or the poems... but I hope you like my story. Review and tell me what you think :) Thanks.


_I've been reading some Bukowski lately and I love certain parts of his poems so much that I was inspired to incorporate them into a new one shot with Nick and Jess... mostly because if Nick were going to try being romantic with poetry, I think this would be the most Nick-like option and Bukowski is definitely Nick's kinda poet._

* * *

**Confession**

It had been three weeks since Nick and Jess decided to call it for good. Neither of them were happy about it but after nearly a month together when Jess had come to Nick, heart-in-hand and asked him point blank how he felt about her, he'd frozen and said nothing. To Nick it was the thing he'd been dreading most of all, he wanted more than anything to come clean with Jess and tell her once and for all that he was one hundred percent head over heels in love with her. That the past four weeks with her had been better than he'd thought possible. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. The last time he confessed that he'd loved a girl was Caroline and she basically took a sledge hammer to his heart. He'd felt close to love with Julia but she bailed on him with very little provocation and when he'd admitted to Angie that he wanted to try for something real with her, she disappeared in the night, leaving him stranded at the cabin with Jess and Sam.

Jess on the other hand was crushed when Nick couldn't open up to her. She was so sure that after such an amazing few weeks together, he would finally have the confidence in their relationship that she did and tell her how he felt. When he didn't it was almost worse than when he'd tried to call it. For Jess the only thing worse than being with someone who didn't love you, was being with someone you loved who seemed adamant not to let you know _if_ they loved you. By the end of that night, when Nick came into her room and pulled back her black floral comforter to crawl into Jess's bed like he had nearly every night since Cece's botched wedding, Jess couldn't bear it. She couldn't pretend that his silence hadn't crushed her hopes that they were progressing. As he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her firmly to him to kiss her neck she could feel the hurt aching in her chest. She knew how strongly she felt for him, but she was so afraid to love him because he was so reluctant to love her back. It was laying there with her back to him as he spooned her and breathed softly into her hair that the first hot wet tears hit her pillow.

"I can't do this Nick," she said, choking back the tears with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She did not want to do this but she felt that she had to.

"What's wrong Jess?" He asked, hoping that if he played dumb she might change her mind and they could avoid the elephant in the room.

Unable to pretend that she didn't need more from him she admitted, "I can't... you can't keep me in the dark anymore Nick. It's not fair." she sniffled and closed her eyes as she continued. "You know how badly I want to be with you. When you called it and tried to end this thing between us, it was _me_ who begged you not to give up on us. It was _me_ who wanted this."

Nick pulled his arm back, feeling like he didn't have the right to touch her if he was hurting her so much. "Jess I..." he paused, "I don't know what you want me to say here." He could feel the wave of nausea coming over him. A million little thoughts ran through his head at that moment. _Why can't I admit it to her? This is Jess, I think she actually wants me. Possibly even as much as I want her. I'm messing this up. I'm gonna blow it, I should just tell her I love her. But she'll freak, like she did with Paul. Saying he loved her too soon made Jess panic. If I say it after a month, she'll realize this was a mistake. She'll bail. What if she meets someone better and I'm in the way? I'm this loser bartender with nothing to offer her, just dragging her down. Shut up Nick. Just be quiet. If you never admit how you're feeling, maybe you can pretend you're fine when she finally gives up on you._

"So that's it huh Nick?" Jess said breaking the painfully long period of silence that had carried on while Nick was battling with himself in his head.

"You know me Jess, I'm broken. Maybe..." he swallowed hard and closed his eyes about to spare himself the agony of hearing her end things nicely. "maybe we were wrong to un-call it. I'm never gonna be the kinda guy you want. The kind who's gonna lay it all on the line and say the right thing at the right time. It's not me." His voice cracked a little as he held back the tears he knew were coming. "I'm not the guy who gets you. I was never gonna be him."

Jess was glad at that moment that she hadn't turned to face him. It was good that he couldn't see the way his words made her face scrunch in pain. She clutched her tiny hand to her chest over her aching heart. She was sobbing in utter silence and completely unable to breathe but he obviously couldn't care less.

Nick could tell Jess was crying but her stillness and silence made it clear that she didn't want him to know. She was almost too still, like she was trying not to breathe he thought. His words were obviously upsetting her but he didn't know what else to do. He longed to reach out to her. To sooth her. To rub the gentle circles into her back that she loved. Hurting her was the last thing in the world he could bear but leaving her, walking out of this room was about to take every bit of his will. Slowly, he lifted the comforter off his body and shifted himself up and out of her bed. He opened her bedroom door to leave but couldn't bring himself to look back at her so without facing her, he said the only words he could, all the time thinking he would choke on his own sobs. "I'm sorry Jess. We shouldn't have... I'm so sorry."

Jess knew it was unlikely but everything inside of her was praying for a miracle, for some uncontrollable realization to hit Nick. To make him come back... to burst through her door and envelope her in kisses. To drop to his knees and look at her in that way that he did sometimes that made her feel like he might actually love her. She wanted the words though... wanted his desperate admission of love but deep down she knew better. He was gone and all she had from their brief time together were memories from when things between them were good. That month's worth of moments with Nick that brought her immense joy but now caused unspeakable pain. Caused the hurt that coursed through her as she laid alone in the bed they once shared and cried herself to sleep.

Walking across the hall from her bedroom door to his felt like an eternity to Nick. Every step away from her was a dagger in his heart. But the worst part was reaching his bed, which should have provided him with some comfort since they were _his_ pillows and _his_ sheets. But his sheets felt cold without Jess and the pillows that held the faint scent of her hair from the nights she'd fallen asleep on them seemed to taunt him. This was the first night in a month that he was sleeping alone, and all he could do to get himself through the night, was hold onto that pillow and pray that her scent, the very last bit of her that he could physically hold on to, didn't fade.

* * *

The days and weeks that followed were absolute torture, Nick and Jess had been able to avoid each other thanks to the fact that their schedules were so opposite. Her being a teacher meant she was gone most of the day which left Nick free to do whatever he needed to do in the loft without running into her and he would make himself scarce before she'd get home everyday. Since he worked mostly nights at the bar, Jess was always in her room or asleep long before he even got home. The weekends were tricky though, but rather than risk the torture of seeing her in pretty dresses, her beautiful long curly locks resting just above the curve of her breasts, on the milky soft skin he used to kiss to make her melt sweetly into his arms... he knew he couldn't bare it. Worse still would be if he did see her, the saddened look on her face whenever he caught her off guard by walking into a room unexpectedly broke his heart. _Does she hate me? Miss me? Think about me? _These were useless thoughts. He'd done the right thing hadn't he? He couldn't make her happy.

Jess sensed that Nick was avoiding her, not only had he clearly been requesting more night shifts than she'd ever known him to work, but he would leave hours early for work so he didn't have to see her. It made her so sad. _He's not sorry he ended things_, she thought and the ache in her chest returned. _It's really over._ She thought.

Jess tried to keep to herself when she was home and so did Nick. She would spend hours knitting Christmas gifts for her co-workers and friends. Personalized or homemade gifts always meant more to Jess so she tried to give them whenever possible. Unbeknownst to anyone, Nick was spending most of his time locked away in his room rewriting his novel. Only this time he was taking it seriously. This time there were no zombies but there was Julius Pepperwood, his clever detective character and his favorite female character, Jessica Night. Since Nick was certain he'd never show this _real _attempt at writing to his friends for fear of embarrassment, he really put a lot of personal elements into it. Adaptations of real events and thoughts... like how Jessica Night was a beautiful young teacher who hired Julius to do some investigating for her after she'd received a series of troubling handwritten letters and sketches of slaughtered animals from an anonymous source. As the story progressed Julius and Jessica fall deeply in love and when Jessica's secret admirer is revealed to be a disturbed former student who'd been romancing senior citizens in the neighborhood, Julius risks his life to protect her.

When he wasn't writing his novel, Nick was doing a lot more reading. Poetry to be exact. He'd discovered one poet in particular and decided that he really related to a lot of his works. The poet's name was Charles Bukowski and he caught Nick's attention largely because they both lived in Los Angeles and Bukowski liked to drink. _This is my kinda poet,_ Nick thought when he first heard about him. But there was one poem in particular that really spoke to Nick. He read it over and over and highlighted the majority of it. It was as if Bukowski wrote it specifically for Nick and he read it everyday and he thought of Jess when he did... he'd even crossed out the very beginning of the poem and scribbled at the top of the page, where the title was on the dog-eared page. The way he wrote atop the poem made it appear as though the title, which was _Confession, _were actually _Confession to Jessica._

* * *

On this particular day, Jess had come home early and Nick, desperate to leave for work without running into her, left in a hurry and forgot his key to the loft on his desk. When he realized this, he called Schmidt from the bar and ask if he could please bring him his key because he'd be home late and didn't want to be locked out. Schmidt was in the middle of a heated debate with Winston about which one of them could do more pull-ups at the gym and before they knew it, they were racing out the door to see which of them would best the other. They were half way to the gym when Schmidt remembered that he hadn't grabbed the key to bring to Nick so he called and asked Jess to do it.

Caught off guard and honestly not emotionally prepared to see Nick Jess tried to avoid it saying, "Schmidt, I don't think that's a good idea. Nick and I..."

But Schmidt cut her off as he noticed Winston starting the pull-ups on Schmidt's preferred pull-up bar, "Damn it, now I have to work on the bar in front of the window! The sun's setting and the glare is gonna blind me! Just do this Jess, I've gotta go show Winston how the top dogs work their lats." At this Schmidt ended the call and though Jess called both Schmidt and Winston at least four times afterwards, neither of them answered.

Finally deciding that she was strong enough to just drop off a key and see Nick for two minutes, she marched into his room determined to find the key and get the whole ordeal over with.

Knowing that she was alone and in Nick's room for the first time in three weeks, Jess couldn't help but be overcome with emotion. His scent was all around her. She touched his pillow and even picked up his favorite flannel from the edge of his bed, hugging it close as she began perusing his desk for the key. She noticed his laptop was on and out of curiosity, she looked to see what he'd been doing on it. She came face to face with his new novel and although she knew it was an invasion of his privacy, she couldn't fight the urge to read it. _Oh my god, he wrote about me..._ she thought, _well, sort of... at least his character loves me,_ she thought as a sadness began to sink in. _If only Nick could express himself to me the way Julius did to Jessica. _

As she glanced to the left of the screen in front of her, she saw Nick's key and decided she couldn't put it off any more. It was time to suck it up and bring him the stupid thing. She was sure she'd be needing some ice-cream afterwards to cheer herself up so she made a mental note to grab some cash before she headed out. But as she picked up the key, she noticed on the desk a book of poetry, lying open but upside down and the page had been folded over, scribbled on in Nick's handwriting and he had highlighted a large portion of the page. Her curiosity peaked, Jess read the scribbled title, _Confession to Jessica._ At seeing her name there, Jess's heart skipped a beat. Not only was Nick Miller reading poetry, but he apparently found some that made him think of her. She had to read what he highlighted. Had to know what this supposed confession involved... and what she read was this:

_I want to let her know though  
that all the nights sleeping beside her_

even the useless arguments  
were things ever splendid

and the hard words I ever feared to say  
can now be said:  
I love you.

Jess froze. _Could this be real? Does Nick really feel this way?_ She had to know. This couldn't wait. So like a woman possessed Jess clutched Nick's key, grabbed the tiny red cardigan she'd been wearing over her dainty navy blue dress and ran out of the loft.

* * *

Nick had just glanced at the clock again, it had been at least two hours since he asked Schmidt to bring him his key and he was starting to worry that he'd forgotten. He finished wiping off the last table and was just about to call Schmidt again when he saw her standing in the doorway of the bar just feet from him. Nick blinked twice and swallowed hard at the shock of seeing Jess before him. His heart raced as she walked over and stopped about a foot away from him. "Hi," she said, looking at him with a nervous wide eyed expression on her face.

"Hi." He said in a shocked reply.

She raised her hand to reveal his key, "Schmidt was busy so he asked me to bring you this."

As he took the key from her, Nick couldn't help but brush his fingers against her soft hand and a chill went up his spine. Innocent as the touch was, she was nearly panting over the feeling of his skin on hers.

He gazed into her eyes, noticing the flush in her cheeks at that moment and he longed to reach out to her. To pull her to him. To hold her tight and kiss her and never let her go again, never.

"I had to go in your room to get it, and I..." she paused as she looked down and pulled something out of her bag. He glanced down and recognized his book of poetry at once. He froze. Panicked that she had seen the poem. Her poem. The words he could never piece together himself but had found in _that_ book. "I saw what you wrote Nick, and what you highlighted." She looked at him. This was it, the last time she would try. It killed her to know that he would most likely deny that it was his book. Or that he'd highlighted it or even that he'd been the one who'd written her name in it. He could deny her everything right now and she would've brought on the heartache all over again.

"Is this for me Nick?" She asked. He heard the longing in her voice and it was like an arrow straight through his heart. _How many times is this beautiful woman going to ask, no beg me to tell her the truth? _He thought... But in his gut he knew she wasn't asking him for truth. She was pleading with him to give her his heart. To say the words. To trust her not to hurt him. That was the moment he gave in and decided he would.

"Yes." He said simply.

Her heart skipped a beat as he continued, "I read that poem every night and I think of you. And every night I fight the urge to march across that hall and tell you that I..." he looked down as her eyes began to water, unable to look at her as he finally whispered his confession, "I love you Jessica."

She was stunned. Absolutely stunned. And to her shock he added, "I know that I hurt you and I know you must hate me. I know that I ruined things. I know it's all my fault and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve it, I'm..." his voice cracked, "so sorry."

Jess looked at him, his eyes were glassy like it was breaking him to admit this and she was overcome with the need to sooth him. To kiss him. To tell him that it was alright, that she loved him too. That it wasn't too late. But words failed her in that moment. All she could do was step closer to him and pull him close. She hugged him and he buried his face in her neck and breathed her in. Gasping like she was the very air he needed to live as he whispered into her ear, "I love you. I love you and I'm so sorry Jess."

She sniffled and exhaled with a sound of absolute relief and happiness as she pulled back and raised her lips to his, replying with a raspy, "I love you too Nicholas" before she leaned into the most heartbreakingly sweet kiss they'd ever shared.

"Hey," Jess said as their lips parted, "would you mind reading me that poem," she asked sniffling and letting out a tiny chuckle. "I'd like to hear you read it to me, just the parts that made you think of me." She added.

"_I want to let her know though,_"he began reciting the poem but she cut him off.

"Not now Nick," She said placing a finger over his lips and closing her eyes while leaning forward so their foreheads touched. "read it to me when you come home tonight."

He smiled and nodded, eyes still closed. "Anything." He opened his eyes and gazed into hers and added, "I will do anything for you Jess."

"That's good," she said placing a chaste kiss on his sweet warm lips. "Come home to me tonight and sleep by my side again. I've missed that."

At this he kissed her again, this time with a little more passion behind it. "You know Jess, my life hasn't been the same since I met you. I think of it all the time. How you brought me back to life just being there. Spending time with me, being a weirdo with me... making me laugh again. Even when life got bad... like when my dad..." He stopped when he noticed how she was looking at him adoringly and he raised his hand to the side of her face and looked her in the eye adding, "That's not the only poem that makes me think of you you know," he said, taking the book from her hand and turning to another poem, also marked and highlighted. As he turned it to Jess and she looked down at the words, Nick began reciting them from memory, and whispering them into her ear:

_I will remember the kisses  
our lips raw with love  
and how you gave me  
everything you had  
and how I  
offered you what was left of  
me,  
and I will remember your small room  
the feel of you  
the light in the window  
your records  
your books  
our morning coffee  
our noons our nights  
our bodies spilled together  
sleeping  
the tiny flowing currents  
immediate and forever  
your leg my leg  
your arm my arm  
your smile and the warmth  
of you  
who made me laugh  
again. _

At this Jess's eye pooled with tears. And he leaned down and kissed her cheeks where the tears had fallen. "Who knew you were so romantic Miller..." Jess said, smiling through her happy tears.

"Only for you Day," Nick replied embracing her once more, "only for you."


End file.
